The Beginning of a New Journey

Here were go...  This is likely going to be a little disjointed as I am simply journaling my thoughts as I go through the waiting period for my divorce..

Three years ago, someone close to me told me my marriage was a mistake and not to be afraid of admitting that I made a mistake and that I should walk away gracefully.   I am grateful that I didn't listen to her three years ago, but I am equally grateful that I understood what she was saying this year and I took action recently.  My divorce will be final in December.  

I am not sorry that I got married and I am not sorry I spent four years married to this person and I am not sorry about my choice to get a divorce now.  It has all been perfectly timed.  I needed this experience for the evolution of my own spiritual growth.  Adversity is always my greatest teacher.  And there were periods of joy.  For me to not acknowledge that would be dishonest.

I have made myself unhappy by practicing toxic co-dependence.  There was abuse, manipulation, control, no boundaries, etc.  Was our relationship toxic and enmeshed from the very beginning? Yes.  That is my most honest answer.  Did we carry all of the signs of an unhealthy relationship?  Yes.   Am I responsible for a lot of the dis-ease, toxicity and enmeshment?  Yes.  Did I hurt him during the time we were together?  Yes.  Did he hurt me?  Yes.  And did I learn anything from all of this?  YES!!!

Part of the Serenity Prayer (long version) says, "Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace."  Was the hardship of my own creation?  Sometimes.  

The greatest thing I discovered about myself is that I have very human limitations.  While I strive for spiritual progress, I am not spiritually perfect and I must accept this.  I have been a fixer. I have been a rescuer.  I have been an enabler.  I have played God in other's lives.  For this, one day, I will make amends.  Living the life of a rescuer is synonymous with living a life of resentment. 

I am grateful.  I am grateful I was married to this man.  I am grateful for what we shared.  I am grateful for what I have learned and I am grateful for the opportunity to apply it in my day-to-day life.   I believe everything is guided and everyone that is in my life is right on time.  Every experience is here to teach me something.  I thank him for his willingness and generosity in being a great part of my recovery, human understanding and spiritual growth.  And I most assuredly thank Him for allowing me this experience.

For now, the best thing I can do is let go and let God take care of other people and focus on the one thing that I have neglected for many, many years... me.    

Goals for this upcoming journey are all works from within.  Using prayer and meditation as my cornerstone, I would like to learn to set healthy boundaries.  I would like my yes to mean yes and my no to mean no, without people-pleasing and extraneous explanations brought on by guilt and a false sense of responsibility.  I would like the strength to trust in God completely and wholly so that I don't feel a need to rescue anyone or take over any controls.  I would simply like to see myself as a fellow among my fellows and enjoy this journey, hand-in-hand with my tribe.  I would like to experience Unity more and separation less.  I would like to live the Serenity Prayer and experience the knowledge of His Will.  

One day at a time.  

It's All About Timing

Affirmation:

I choose to be happy right now!

Prayer:

Divine Spirit,
Thank You for happiness.  Thank You for joy.  Thank You for all of the bright and beautiful things that you created just to make me smile.
And so it is.

Meditation: 

When the time is right, child. When the time is right. How often have we heard those words — from a friend, a spon­sor, our Higher Power?

We want things so badly — that job, that check, a relation­ship, a possession. We want our life to change.

So we wait, sometimes patiently, sometimes anxiously, wondering all the while: When will the future bring me what  I long for? Will I be happy then?

We try to predict, circling dates on the calendar, asking questions. We forget that we don’t hold the answers. The answers come from God. If we listen closely, we’ll hear them. When the time is right, child. When the time is right. Today, I will relax. I am being prepared. I can let go of timing. I can stop manipulating outcomes. Good things will happen when the time is right, and they will happen naturally.

Be happy now.

By Melody Beattie

Gratitude

Affirmation:

I am thankful for everything!

Prayer:

Divine Spirit,
My life is wholly in Your Mercy and Your Grace. Thank You for every gift, every fruit, and every relationship I have.

Meditation:

Just reflecting on the topic of Gratitude. Whenever my consciousness dwells simply on gratitude, I experience abundance and a feeling of completeness. Gratitude is where I see God.

Letting Go of What We Want

Affirmations:  


I accept what I want and need.
I surrender what I want and need to God.
I surrender control of outcomes. 
God always provides exactly what I need.


Prayer:  (3rd Step Prayer of A.A.)

God, I offer myself to Thee — to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!

Meditation:

From Language of Letting Go, July 31

In recovery, we learn that it is important to identify what we want and need. Where does this concept leave us? With a large but clearly identified package of currently unmet wants and needs. We've taken the risk to stop denying and to start accepting what we want and need. The problem is, the want or need hangs there, unmet.

This can be a frustrating, painful, annoying, and sometimes obsession-producing place to be.

After identifying our needs, there is a next step in getting our wants and needs met. This step is one of the spiritual ironies of recovery. The next step is letting go of our wants and needs after we have taken painstaking steps to identify them.

We let them go, we give them up - on a mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical level. Sometimes, this means we need to give up. It is not always easy to get to this place, but this is usually where we need to go.

How often I have denied a want or need, then gone through the steps to identify my needs, only to become annoyed, frustrated, and challenged because I don't have what I want and don't know how to get it. If I then embark on a plan to control or influence getting that want or need met, I usually make things worse. Searching, trying to control the process, does not work. I must, I have learned to my dismay, let go.

Sometimes, I even have to go to the point of saying, "I don't want it. I realize it's important to me, but I cannot control obtaining that in my life. Now, I don't care anymore if I have it or not. In fact, I'm going to be absolutely happy without it and without any hope of getting it, because hoping to get it is making me nuts - the more I hope and try to get it, the more frustrated I feel because I'm not getting it."

I don't know why the process works this way.

I know only that this is how the process works for me. I have found no way around the concept of letting go.

We often can have what we really want and need, or something better. Letting go is part of what we do to get it.

Today, I will strive to let go of those wants and needs that are causing me frustration. I will enter them on my goal list, then struggle to let go. I will trust God to bring me the desires of my heart, in God's time and in God's way.

Denial

Affirmation:  

With God's help, I look forward to seeing the Truth and facing my circumstances with courage.

Prayer:

Divine Spirit,

Thank You for lifting the veil so that I may see the Truth about me, about You and about the circumstances I am currently facing.  Thank You for giving me the courage to do the next step.  Thank You for giving me the power to carry it out.  

And so it is.

Meditation:

Denial

Denial is a powerful tool. Never underestimate its ability to cloud your vision.

Be aware that, for many reasons, we have become experts at using this tool to make reality more tolerable. We have learned well how to stop the pain caused by reality - not by changing our circumstances, but by pretending our circumstances are something other than what they are.

Do not be too hard on yourself. While one part of you was busy creating a fantasy reality, the other part went to work on accepting the truth.

Now, it is time to find courage. Face the truth. Let it sink gently in.

When we can do that, we will be moved forward.

God, give me the courage and strength to see clearly.

From ~ Language of Letting Go.

Let The Drama Go

Affirmation:

I accept my anger.

I love my anger.

I relax into my anger.

I release myself into love.

Prayer:


Divine Spirit,
Thank You for bringing me closer.  Thank You for showing me that anger is simply "fear on its way out".  It is my last gasp to hold onto an old idea that no longer serves me.  Thank You for showing me new ways of expressing my anger so I don't have to be afraid of that emotion anymore.  
And so it is.  

Contemplation: 

Actors in movies or on television often must exaggerate their feelings in order to create drama on the screen. If they are hurt, they cry with a special intensity. If afraid, they scream and cower in a corner or curl up on a sofa. They may grab a person trying to leave and beg for that person to stay. In rage, they may stomp around hollering in a dramatic storm.

We can learn to separate what we're feeling from what we do. If we're feeling fear, hurt, anger, or any other emotion, we need to experience the emotion until we become clear. Sometimes beating a pillow helps release our anger. But we don't have to stomp around and slam doors. That's letting our emotions control us.

You don't have to revel in your emotions. And you can separate your behaviors-- what you do-- from what you feel.

Stop being a twentieth-century drama queen. It isn't necessary anymore. We are more conscious than that now.

God, help me let go of the unnecessary drama in my life. 

~ More Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie

Detaching With Love

Affirmation:  


I detach with love from people, places and things that are unhealthy for me.


Prayer:


Divine Spirit,
Thank You for showing me what is unhealthy for me.  Thank You for giving me the courage and the power to take care of myself.  Thank You for showing me how to be true to myself and how to live from a place of integrity.
And so it is.


Meditation:


Detachment is not caring less, it's caring more for my own serenity.