Three years ago, someone close to me told me my marriage was a mistake and not to be afraid of admitting that I made a mistake and that I should walk away gracefully. I am grateful that I didn't listen to her three years ago, but I am equally grateful that I understood what she was saying this year and I took action recently. My divorce will be final in December.
I am not sorry that I got married and I am not sorry I spent four years married to this person and I am not sorry about my choice to get a divorce now. It has all been perfectly timed. I needed this experience for the evolution of my own spiritual growth. Adversity is always my greatest teacher. And there were periods of joy. For me to not acknowledge that would be dishonest.
I have made myself unhappy by practicing toxic co-dependence. There was abuse, manipulation, control, no boundaries, etc. Was our relationship toxic and enmeshed from the very beginning? Yes. That is my most honest answer. Did we carry all of the signs of an unhealthy relationship? Yes. Am I responsible for a lot of the dis-ease, toxicity and enmeshment? Yes. Did I hurt him during the time we were together? Yes. Did he hurt me? Yes. And did I learn anything from all of this? YES!!!
Part of the Serenity Prayer (long version) says, "Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace." Was the hardship of my own creation? Sometimes.
The greatest thing I discovered about myself is that I have very human limitations. While I strive for spiritual progress, I am not spiritually perfect and I must accept this. I have been a fixer. I have been a rescuer. I have been an enabler. I have played God in other's lives. For this, one day, I will make amends. Living the life of a rescuer is synonymous with living a life of resentment.
I am grateful. I am grateful I was married to this man. I am grateful for what we shared. I am grateful for what I have learned and I am grateful for the opportunity to apply it in my day-to-day life. I believe everything is guided and everyone that is in my life is right on time. Every experience is here to teach me something. I thank him for his willingness and generosity in being a great part of my recovery, human understanding and spiritual growth. And I most assuredly thank Him for allowing me this experience.
For now, the best thing I can do is let go and let God take care of other people and focus on the one thing that I have neglected for many, many years... me.
Goals for this upcoming journey are all works from within. Using prayer and meditation as my cornerstone, I would like to learn to set healthy boundaries. I would like my yes to mean yes and my no to mean no, without people-pleasing and extraneous explanations brought on by guilt and a false sense of responsibility. I would like the strength to trust in God completely and wholly so that I don't feel a need to rescue anyone or take over any controls. I would simply like to see myself as a fellow among my fellows and enjoy this journey, hand-in-hand with my tribe. I would like to experience Unity more and separation less. I would like to live the Serenity Prayer and experience the knowledge of His Will.
One day at a time.
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